The Real Housewife of Douglasville On Menopause Patches and More

Since all my girl parts are gone, I have to wear one of those patches to slowly release estrogen because my body doesn’t make it anymore. 

Remembering to change patches has become somewhat of a nuisance as the directions say replace the patch every 72 hours. 

I do well with Tylenol every four hours. But every 72 hours? Crazy.

So I just decided to change it on Sunday and Thursday. And yes I know it is not exactly 72 hours. And as if it knows this, the expiring little patch reminds me. 

And how is that you say? I become a furnace that would rival the very fires of Hell.

I remember my dear friend, may she rest in peace, Betsee Davis, and her patch story. Being outside sales reps together (for a GARBAGE company... fodder for a future blog), we decided one day it was a bad day to make calls. 

It was a good day, however, to go shopping. So off to the mall we went. We were in a dressing room when I saw what looked like a large skin-colored bandage on her butt. 

“What happened?” I asked.  “Oh,”  my sweet friend said. “That’s my hormone patch.” She went on to explain that she had a hysterectomy a few years back.  Her patch was a once a week (smart, right? None of this 72 hour nonsense). 

Betsee began explaining how it worked and how she knew when to change her patch.  “Oh, I know when it’s time to change. It’s about the time you start looking real good to me!” 

Well, there I stood in my undies grabbing the nearest garment and covering up FAST.  “Um…is that one still working?” I asked timidly. I loved Betsee and all, just not like that. Once she could speak again after laughing hysterically, she assured me this patch was working just fine and I had no cause to worry about my nekkidness.

I digress. You all know how I go off on tangents. Yesterday, I put on a new patch. Today I notice that it’s not sticking. It’s hanging half off.  Yes, I followed directions for application. It was still hanging off.

Do I put a new one on? Do I remove the half that won’t stick? What will that do to me?  I finally found that little piece of paper that is folded like a gazillion times and realized the solution was simple. Yank it off and put on a new one. Just like that. 

Here is my other advice for the newly menopausal: you will have HOT flashes.  I’m talking Sahara Desert, with a wood fire oven. Oh and I mentioned Hell earlier. Yep, you are getting the idea. But guess what you won’t have. 

You won’t have bloating, cravings, headaches, CRAMPS and a whole lot of other aggravation associated with that little monthly visitor.  I am HAPPY to say adios to Flo. 

So, all in all, this hysterectomy is not such a bad thing after all. And a huge P.S. here: NO cancer. Everything came back BENIGN.

Hallelujah! I will live,yes, LIVE, with all these minor adjusments just fine and somebody remind me when it’s Wednesday.