Dark Souls: You Died

I was really hoping I would be a bit more established before I was forced to do this to a game. But nay, says fate, it must be now, in my second review for Patch. So- let’s talk about a game called Dark Souls, shall we?

Dark Souls is an Action RPG developed by From Software, a Japanese company which tries and fails to capture the spirit of a Western RPG. You know, ones with Wenches and burley, dirty barbarians and noble but equally-dirty-under-all -the-armor knights and all that jazz. We’ll get into the reasons it fails to do this later on. 

Plot and characters

Know what? I have absolutely no idea. The cutscenes made no sense to me at all. I tried to follow along with what was going on, but I honestly had no idea what the narrator was gabbing on about.

There are two problems here. One, I never played Dark Souls’ predecessor, Demon’s Souls. The general claim is that Dark Souls is only loosely tied to Demon’s Souls, but if that’s the case someone should have probably informed the writers about that, because I was as confused as a Salvador Dali at the Super Bowl. 

Two, I didn’t get very far in the game. More on that later.

Here’s what I did manage to pick up: You’re dead. I mean literally, you play a zombie. Not the pop-culture kind of zombie that lumbers around groaning and feasting on human flesh, though. No, in Dark Souls your character (in my case, the stalwart warrior GrizzleFace) walks, fights, and dresses like a man, just a very leathery man with rotting flesh. 

Also, there’s apparently a way to switch between human and undead, but I never learned anything about it. 

As far as character goes, yours is a silent protagonist, apparently communicating with the occasional non-hostile via telepathy. Either that or everyone is insane, which, given the gloom of the game's atmosphere, could very well be the case. Maybe there are great, colorful characters further on into the game. I wouldn’t know.    

Here’s what I do know, though: if I’m not able to remember anything significant about the few cutscenes that I saw just a couple of days ago, then they must not have been terribly gripping. Oh sure, they have the usual “darkness has descend, you’re the only hope for the land, great evil presence blah blah blah,” but trust me, nothing about the premise is going to impressive the Writers’ Guild.   

Gameplay

I mentioned before that the game fails to capture the spirit of a Western RPG like Oblivion. The reason I said that is because right from the beginning I noticed the two things that makes JRPGs stand out from all other games: the asinine, complicated menu and stats system, and the plethora of items that you’ll likely never use. 

There are about fifteen skills with various names like “Dexterity” and “Intelligence,” and while anyone who’s seasoned in RPGs knows what they stand for, it’s unnecessarily complicated. Even more so when increasing any one field more or less influences the exact same attributes. Seriously, there is absolutely no difference between adding a point to dexterity and adding a point to strength, so I don’t see why the developers felt that both needed to be there.

The other thing that screams “made in Japan” at the top of its lungs is all the items. I remember picking up a Loyd’s Talisman.

“Alright,” thought I. “What does that mean?” I guess I could have checked the menu, scrolled to the right sub-category of items, scrolled down to find the talisman among dozens of other useless items, and then clicked the description button to read about it. 

Did I? Nope. Know why? Because it’s too much effort! It’s ridiculous! A one-sentence description that pauses the game when you pick the item up for the first time, From Software. That’s what everyone else does, because it works. You could learn something from that. On top of all that, the game doesn’t pause when you open the menu.  In fact, there’s no way to pause the game at all. 

And now we come to it: the reason I didn’t get very far in Dark Souls. It’s hard. I mean, really hard. As in, so hard it’s not fun.    

That’s something I rarely say. I consider myself a seasoned veteran of gaming, and I usually like to set games on hard for a challenge. Dark Souls, however, is not a challenge. 

Let me explain: Solving a 5,000-piece puzzle is a challenge. Running a marathon is a challenge. Playing Dark Souls is like trying to cut down an Oak tree with a butter knife. To help you understand, I’ve briefly summarized my experience with the game below. 

After awakening in a prison and taking control of my upper-class zombie, I proceed out into the ruins above, pausing occasionally to read the combat tutorial messages left on the floor and to punch out the riff-raff zombies with my broken sword hilt. I was also asked to light a campfire, which acted as a checkpoint where I could restore my health. 

After surviving a few zombies with swords (yes, they use them too.  Not mindless groaning here), I pushed open a large double door and was almost immediately set upon by a massive bloated demon wielding a giant mace. After he flattened me like a pancake, draining ¾ of my health bar with a single blow, I noticed a floor message behind him. I ran up to it and clicked read, where it helpfully informed me that I should run my dead butt away. Yes, thanks for advice!

I soon learned that even the most basic undead soldiers could take down half of my health bar with a single blow. This became particularly annoying when I would round a corner with two or three and be hacked to death with a single coordinated stroke for the billionth time.

Later in the game, I was tasked to plow through about thirty enemies occupying the town of Undead Burg (yes, it’s really called that) without getting killed. Well, after about 100 tries I finally made it to the doorway with a white haze over it. I stepped through it onto a long castle wall. I proceeded to the next turret, and was soon flattened by a giant Minotaur. 

So what happens next? Why, I get sent all the way back to the last campfire, of course. And, all the enemies that it took me ages to hack my way through are back. And, all of my souls (currency) are gone.

At this point, I was tempted to just quit. I was also tempted to back over the disk with my car, but never mind that. My professional side, however, stopped me.

“Adam,” It said. “How can you give a professional review on a game when you haven’t made it past the first boss fight?” 

And so I persisted. And I died—many, many times. Whether by the sword of an undead knight, the firebombs of an undead archer on a platform above,  the massive club thing of the Minotaur boss, or indeed by dodge-rolling off a cliff, GrizzleFace endured grueling death after grueling death to bring you this review. 

And then finally, with a stroke of luck (and a little inside info from Youtube), the Minotaur collapsed beneath my sword and then faded into the ether. There I stood, victorious. Through the toll of a thousand deaths, I had conquered my foes and earned my right to advance further into this dark, mysterious world.

Beaming with pride, I continued into the turret. I glowed as I descended the staircase to the bridge below. On the bridge stood four soldiers, the final measly obstacle between me and my well-earned checkpoint. I stepped onto the bridge to face them—and immediately burst into flames as a dragon flew in from off camera. 

“You died.” Said the game as it sent me all the way back to the last campfire and brought all of the enemies back and took all of my money. 

It was more or less at this point that I looked up at my ceiling, uttered a phrase which rhymes with “pluck this ghoul spit” and proceeded to play Minecraft, a much better game.

Ready for the craziest part? I actually found the one-on-one combat quite compelling. It takes strategy and careful timing. If the whole game had been like that, without cheap-shot monster bosses and unforeseeable ambushes, and for God’s sake less merciless checkpoints, I probably would have loved the game. As it stands, it’s a frustrating, sadomasochistic game that seems to live to upset its patrons. 

Multiplayer

There’s little to speak of. You can fight your friends, or get them to help you. I couldn’t because no one I know owns the game. Maybe the harrowing difficulty would have been eased if one of them did. 

There’s another thing: you do see other people who are currently playing the game, but they appear as ghosts. They can distract the monsters, though they usually don’t. If they die near you, you can click their bloodspots and see exactly where they died so you’ll be aware of ambush. They can also leave messages for you, and vice versa. All of these things are helpful, but not so much that they make the game significantly easier.

Overall

I read other reviews online; I just don’t know what to say. All the big-boy review sites out there are praising Dark Souls like it’s the Second Coming. That means one of two things: either I’m just completely unable to see the appeal of game that kicks you around like a schoolyard bully, or Namco Bandai (the game’s publishers) coughed up some extra green for some shiny endorsements. 

Either way, I just can’t get behind it. The same way I wouldn’t take relationship advice from someone who insists on sticking with an abusive spouse, I’m not going to take gaming advice from critics who genuinely like a game that beats you over the head with a shovel for several hours.

Parents: It’s violent and dark and grim. No one under eighteen need apply. 

Investment suggestion: If you insist on feeling the abuse for yourself, then buy it. It’ll take you months to grind through, so renting is pointless. Good luck, you strange, strange person. 

Where to Purchase

Here's some great local places to pick up Dark Souls: , , , and .