007 Goldeneye: Reloaded

You don’t have to say it: I know it’s been out for a while, and yes, I know it wasn’t a particularly anticipated title. For those of you who don’t know, Goldeneye: Reloaded was originally released on the Wii back in 2010. Being one who doesn’t own a Wii and who holds an eternal bigotry against motion-sensor gaming, I didn’t hear about it until it was re-released for the 360 and PS3 last month. Yes, they re-released the re-release. We’re getting very lazy, aren’t we, game companies?

Still, with Release Season 2011 well and over, there isn’t much else out there in the way of recent releases that I haven’t already covered. That, and the ever-present issue of the fact that I only get these games as rentals, so I’m limited to whichever games Redbox has secured distribution rights to. 

Let me just say this now: this one is going to be brief. Why?  Because this is basically a souped-up re-release of the 1997 version for the Nintendo 64. So, for what it’s worth, here’s a brief review of Goldeneye: Reloaded, or as I like to call it “Goldeneye 64: Buy It Again.” 

Plot and Characters

What’s there to say? You know who James Bond is, and you know what he’s all about. Hell, I’ve only watched two of those films all the way through, and I know plenty about him. I guess I can tell you that for this re-release they opted to remove Pierce Brosnan and replace him with that new guy who currently plays Bond and who’s name I can’t remember and which I don't care enough about to look up. 

I was actually a little upset about that decision. Part of that is probably because I’m only familiar with two Bonds, the Brosnan version and the Connery version. The other is because I liked Goldeneye (the film), and Brosnan’s character was part of the reason I did, so seeing Double-Oh-New-Guy hog the camera for this game gave me that sense of unfamiliarity that I hate. 

I do have to tip my hat to the developers, though, for getting the actual actors from the films to do the voices for 00-That-Guy and M for the game. At least that shows some dedication, unlike a lot of games based on films where they just grab up some shmuck who can do a half-way decent impression of the person they’re trying to mimic all for the sake of budgeting. 

As far as plot, well, if you’ve seen the movie, then you know the plot. Also, if you’ve played the 64 game, you know it as well (albeit an extremely blocky version of it). The only big difference is that this is a modern reinterpretation of the 1995 film, so Bond now carries a smartphone with him, one which has apps for hacking WiFi nodes and unlocking secure blast doors, so we know it’s not made by Apple. 

Gameplay

The best way I can sum it up is “meh.”  It’s a cookie-cutter linear shooter, another perfect candidate to join the legions of clones in the market. You run from point A to point B and shoot everything that has a gun along the way.  “Everything” is about 1000 Russians which you will take down all by yourself despite their numbers and the multitudes of armor and air support they constantly call in to take you down. 

I swear, if you U.S. could commission the services of the Bond from this game, we could cut defense spending in half, as I’m pretty sure he could take down half an invading army by himself. After a few missions it starts to get pretty ridiculous.  The films are at least somewhat realistic. Yes, they involve non-existent technologies (at least to a civilian’s knowledge), but never did Bond gun down 87 Ruskies and four assault choppers with a P99 and an AK. 

One thing I have to mention: there are breach sequences. This was shamelessly ripped off of Modern Warfare under the tissue-thin disguise of “reference.” They’re exactly the same as the one’s from Modern Warfare: you crash through the door, the game phases into bullet time, and you have a few seconds in which to take down three or four enemies before the bullet time expires. However, I should mention that it is at least a little different: the C4 charge from Modern Warfare is replaced with a Bond’s foot. Whoa, careful, guys, the innovation might be too much for us to handle!

There are also optional objectives to artificially pad out the gameplay. They usually involve something like “gather the intel on the Blah-Blah.” However, the game doesn’t tell you where the intel on the Blah-Blah is or why it’s important, and “gathering intel” just means taking pictures of the Blah-Blah with your smartphone. 

It’s just there to keep you roaming around the maps for however long they can in order to cover for the fact that there’s only about seven or eight hours of gameplay in the campaign. I didn’t bother with it because I don’t think I could have cared less if I tried. Maybe if I did do it, I could have unlocked new skis for the multiplayer. Ooh, yay, I get to more skin options for the guy I’ll never see because this is a First Person Shooter. And frankly, if unlocking the Oddjob skin is something you would actually boast about to your friends, you might want to reevaluate how you’re living your life, my friend. 

Multiplayer

I didn’t play it. I really should have, but I fell short on time, and I’ve visiting my folks for Christmas, so I’m currently unable to connect my Xbox to the Internet.  It’s gotten a lot of praise, though, so I guess that’s good. 

As for an educated guess, I imagine it’s very similar to the 64 version to appease the Nostalgia-Blind crowd. Aside from that, it’s a multiplayer shooter.  You know the formula: you run around a boxed environment and shoot people with varying flavors of pistol, machine gun, shotgun, and explosives. 

Upon consulting that fountain of reliable knowledge Wikipedia, I learned that there are unlockable weapons and skins (as I mentioned before). Arguably another concept ripped from Modern Warfare, but then much like amazing graphics (which Goldeneye actually doesn't have), ripping off seems to have become a standard from games these days. 

Overall

Let’s make this clear for any Bond fanboys that might be lurking about out there: I’m not a Bond fan. I’ve never been one. I don’t care about the next film, I don’t own the collector’s box set, and I didn’t expect this game to floor me with staggering innovation or amazing gameplay. In the past I’ve seen people suggest that because I’m not the president of their favorite game series’ fan club, I’ve got no right to comment on it, so I just want to be clear for their sakes. 

From an everyman’s perspective, it just wasn’t very good. I never played it for more than an hour at a time, and even then I found that I had to force myself to. That statement might cause that one guy to write another 25-page thesis about why I’m the worst thing to gaming since E.T. for the Atari, but you know what? If I can’t get through an hour of a game without getting bored, then I surely can’t say it’s good, can I? 

So that’s my take: It’s bad. It’s boring, it’s repetitive, and it offers nothing new or even anything interesting. It’s a remake for the Bond fans and the nostalgia crowd created entirely in the name of wringing as many pennies as possible out of an old hit so the developers can afford a third house. 

Investment suggestion: If you’re a Bond-lover, you might like it. If so, rent it, unless you’re just the biggest Bond fan in the world and are absolutely addicted to multiplayer and you tear up in sad reminiscence of glory days long gone when you think about playing the 64 Goldeneye multiplayer, then I guess you can buy it. And if that’s the case, then you should probably also call your therapist and schedule a few extra sessions. 

Have a Merry Christmas, folks!  Enjoy this time with your families and friends.  There are 364 other days for pwning noobs.

The above is only my opinion. It just happens to be right. 

Where to Purchase

Here's some great local places to pick up this game: , , , and .